


What NOT to do in Victoria Punk

by Miskhew



Category: One Piece
Genre: List, M/M, Wire is there for a good time not a long time, he is so done, him included, killer keeping the list, list what not to do, or kid will kill all of them, other doing proteccc, precious heat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:53:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26580190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miskhew/pseuds/Miskhew
Summary: They really need to keep list what not to do, so newbies won't die in a first day
Relationships: Eustass Kid/Trafalgar D. Water Law, Heat/Wire (One Piece), Killer/Penguin (One Piece), implied relationships - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Things the Heart Pirates are not allowed to do](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8050708) by [Animedemon01](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animedemon01/pseuds/Animedemon01). 



> tbh i don't know how i do this but fjfjfj yeet

1\. Don't ever, even as a joke ask where did the captain hide his eyebrows. He will kill you with no hesitation

2\. If you fuck with captain, you will die ether by captain's or Killer's hands

3\. If you see Heart Pirates Penguin or their captain Law in the ship, ignore them, don't say anything about it. You will die if you do

4\. Don't steal Heat's food. It's so spicy you will die

5\. Don't ever ask why Heat and Wire dress in girl's clothing. Ether they or Captain will throw you overboard

6\. When Captain is building something in his work room, do not and i mean **DO NOT** go in there

7\. Do not sing We are one in ship. Anyone can hear it and Kid will not be happy.  
\- However you can sing it when you are absolutely sure that no other ships or pirates are near.

8\. Don't play cards with Wire and Heat. You will lose and cry

9\. Drawing eyebrows to captain when he is sleeping is not funny. If you are not Heat, then you will be thrown overboard.

10\. Making fun of Heat's appearance is a death wish.

11\. Giving Wire heating wire and saying that this is his relationship stopped being funny long time ago.

12\. Don't ask Captain why he has pictures of Trafalgar D. Law in his desk if your life is important to you

13\. If you make Heat cry or feel bad about something, Wire, Kid and Killer will kill you. Don't test them

14\. If someone in the crew says that they will make tea party and you are invited, you go there without questions and you will like it

15\. Asking Killer is he penguin sexual will get you killed. It was once funny when Captain asked that

16\. Saying that Captain needs therapy is death wish

17\. If you see Captain in Heart Pirate's pyjamas, don't ask. Close your eyes and pretend you are sleepwalking

18\. Selling crew member for beer is bad thing. Doesn't mean you can't do that

19\. If you ask about straw hat crew, Captain will undo your birth

20\. Asking Heat is he dragon in disguise will get you burns, if you don't die

21\. If you leave your vibrator in the toilet one goddamn time again, Captain will find you and he will kill you

22\. On other hand, if you are not ready to die by enemies or your crewmates hands, you have no respect from anyone in this crew

23\. Asking Heat lighting the candles up will destroy the ship and get you killed. It happened once and it will not happen again

24\. If hungry, do not try to make your own food. Kitchen is Killer's and he won't let anyone in

25\. If you have long hair, you need to tie it up if Killer is nice and lets you in kitchen

26\. Stealing toilet paper is lame and you will get 5 hour nag from Killer

27\. Becoming stripper is not okay without Captain's permission.  
\- If you got permission, 50% revenue will go to Captain and 10% will go to Killer, 10% to Wire and 20% will go to Heat. If asked why Heat gets more you will be left on the next island

28\. You need to pick outfits that fit in to the crew's aesthetic

29\. Asking Captain why he has favorites will get you a black eye. He has no favorites, he likes no one.  
\- Except Heat. He is baby and he must be protected all the times. Even though he is not the youngest

30\. Bringing vodka to the ship and not giving some to the captain will make him mad and sad. Sad and mad captain is terrifying captain. Hide

31\. STOP ADOPTING ALL THE STRAY CATS! KILLER LOVES THEM AND HE IS ALLERGIC AND WILL DIE!

32\. Sex slaves are not acceptable in any way or shape

33\. Don't let Killer say 'i told you so' to captain. Captain will lose it

34\. There is no such thing as too much partying. Stop being a pussy and drink when you have the chance

35\. Saying Killer is the team mom is not funny, even though you are right

36\. That doesn't mean that Captain is the dad. No way in hell

37\. Asking why Wire sometimes uses dress and that he looks like an idiot will make Heat sad. Heat sad = people die. Besides, Wire looks fabulous in dress he wears

38\. Heat's and Killer's hair is not good place to hide something. It will get you killed

39\. If you see captain crying over a sad book or movie, you have to pretend that you didn't see shit

40: Asking heat do something from you is a no no. He doesn't understand did you mean it literally or not. There will be chaos 

41\. If captain hears one more time "Will you ever grow to adult huehuehue because your name is Kid" he will destroy everything you love

42\. Only Captain is allowed to make fun of Killer, Wire and Heat. You try it, you are next meal to sea monster

43\. No, you are not allowed to ask Trafalgar D. Water law that could you have sip of this 'water' Captain will be jealous and he will kill you on the spot

44\. Saying that Captain is jealous will get you killed. He has no such emotion

45\. If you have any criticism about Kid Pirates, you will die

46\. No, you can't just leave. This is cult and you have sold your soul to Captain

47\. Asking to have your soul back is stupid, you read the contract before signing it

48\. Yes, there will be picnics. No, you are not allowed to put food color on the food to make them look inedible just that you can eat them by yourself

49\. Playing Simon says so is forbidden, because Kid will take it literally

50\. You trash it, you fix it and you pay for it


	2. Chapter 2

51\. Keep your junk in your pants. It's not that big or impressive and it's certainly not a gift from god

52\. Just for the love of god, if you have to put your pp in plumbing , do not yell when you can't get it out. You did the stupid thing, you suffer alone from it

53\. Killer is the only one with working brain cells, please do not make him lose them. We all need them

54\. Yes, Wire is 60% legs. He will be taller than you. No matter how tall you are, he will call you a hobbit. And you will let him

55\. Yes, Heat is ship's doctor. He has all the rights to leave you to die if you make him angry.  
\- However you don't have the same rights, so don't be a dick and help your crewmates out

56\. Don't talk to captain before he has his morning coffee. Rip Alaska, you were a good friend

57\. Do not and i mean **DO FUCKING NOT GIVE HEAT A BLANKET WHEN YOU SEE HIM SLEEPING OUTSIDE HIS AND WIRE'S CABIN! HE ISN'T SLEEPING IN THEIR CABIN, BECAUSE IT'S TOO HOT AND HE COULD ACCIDENTALLY LIT THE BLANKET ON FIRE!**

58\. If you see Captain hugging crewmates, run immediately. He is trying to find suitable opponent to train with him. You will die, he has no mercy

59\. Yes, Killer and Penguin are cute together. Still, you have no rights to ask what's under Killer's mask or Penguin's hat. They will nag you and Penguin will prank you

60\. No, Captain and Trafalgar Law are not dating. No matter what Killer, Penguin, Heat, Wire, straw hat luffy or anyone says  
\- Even though Law will say yes, it's not true

61\. If Wire asks can he and Heat stay in the ship means that you have to hide your alcohol. They will have a little date and they will drink all the alcohol they find. 

62\. And if you see some hickeys on Heat's hands or torso or neck the next morning, just...walk away.Go take a shower. Wash the trauma and mental image away.   
\- after that you can ask politely that does he want to put actual shirt on. He may say no, so...try to bear with it

63\. Saying Killer gave you permission will not work. Everyone knows that Killer wouldn't let you do something that stupid

64\. Don't take pictures of your captain and crewmates when they are drunk. But if you do, show them to Killer, send them to him and delete all evidence that you helped him get blackmailing material

65\. Asking Heat is it hot or is it just him will get you killed. Don't flirt with your crewmate's boyfriend  
\- no matter how adorable Heat is. We can't believe that people still try this

66\. Don't try to make Killer laugh. Captain will kill you and Penguin will bring you back to life just so captain can kill you again

67\. Don't try to make small talk with Wire. He doesn't like talking that much and he will just judge you the whole time

68\. If you ever think that dyeing captain's jacket pink is funny..you are right but you shouldn't do that

69\. Just because you can't bring cats in to the ship doesn't mean that you can go and buy cat ears to everyone

70\. In the hot days, you can eat the ice cream. But do not touch the popsicles. They are for Heat, because the dude literally breaths fire and is a walking inferno. So...if you don't want the whole ship to burn, leave the popsicles alone.

71\. Just because every other crew is close to each others doesn't mean we have too. Captain can't have more than five friends

72\. And no, that is not because he can count them with one hand...maybe

73\. If you see Captain and Trafalgar Law kissing, you better not say anything to anyone. They both will kill you

74\. No, captain will not make you replica's of his own metal hand

75\. If you can't sleep, you can't just go to Killer's cabin and ask if he can read you a bedtime story  
\- Because he will then do that to others too. And he will not stop it

76\. Hiding a hairbrush is death sentence, Heat and Killer will find you

77\. Asking to touch your crewmates tattoos or piercings needs to stop. It will make things awkward and not the fun way

78\. Trying Wire's heels will kill you. They are just so big and you will fall if you even try to walk with those

79\. No, Captain does not want to hear your new, friendly and safe plan. Put the fucking helmet on and attack, we die like men

80\. Asking Wire that because he is big, is everything on him big needs to stop. Because Heat will answer yes and no one needs to know that  
\- Aaaand Killer and Captain still wants to believe that Heat is innocent and oblivious like he was when he just joined the crew

81\. Measurements are for cowards, put as much rum or beer as you want

82\. Saying that the captain is angry pomeranian is not wrong, but you should avoid saying it anywhere near Captain, Killer, Heat and Wire. Captain and Heat will kill you, Killer and Wire will laugh at that and they will call their captain 'angry pomeranian' for the rest of the day

83\. If no one is laughing at your jokes, then don't tell them anymore. People ether hate you or you are not funny

84\. Just because Wire, Heat or Killer does it doesn't mean you should do it too. Those 3 are safe from Captain's anger

85\. If you are singing on the deck, make sure captain wont hear you. If he does, he will kill you

86\. It's no simp september, so you can't even look at girl or you lost and captain has every right give more work to you

87\. STOP BEING SO NICE TO STRAWHAT CREW, THEY ARE NOT OUR FRIENDS AND WE DO NOT NEED THEM ANYWAY!  
\- If you are being a dick to heart pirates on the other hand, you will see the sea monster really fucking soon

88\. The only holidays we will celebrate are Halloween and Christmas  
\- And Christmas is on the list now, because Captain, Wire and Killer heard that Heat never celebrated Christmas

89\. Don't dare others do something stupid, so you could make this list longer

90\. If asked, you will clean the showers.   
\- and no, you can't pay another one to do it

91\. When captain is angry or sad, send Heat in first. He will boost captain's ego, so you all can go safely in the room

92\. When captain is fighting, do not get on his way or you will die

93\. Asking captain that have you kill them will get you killed. There is stupid questions and that was one of them

94\. We are pirates, don't fucking pay for things. Steal them like everyone else. You are not special

95\. Don't try to act like the Captain. You are not as scary as him, no matter how much you try

96\. Don't take kid pirates tattoo. Just...no

97\. When Heat is smiling and happy, you better stay back. Something is wrong and you will soon learn why

98\. If you ask how does Killer really does all of this, prepare to listen his whole life story. You will learn absolute nothing and you still don't understand how he deals with all of this

99\. Wire is not going to step on you, no matter how much you beg

100\. Killer won't say 'beep beep motherfucker' before he attacks. Just no


End file.
